I have to be honest. I feel frustrated. Not for the reasons you think. Yes, I have four children (8, 5, toddler, baby). Yes, I am a homemaking, work-at-home, homeschooling, blogging wife and mom, but those are not the reason for my frustrations, not directly anyway.
I am a Proverbs 31 woman in training and though I am training in the field, because there was a lot of things I was not taught that I wish I was. I’m not frustrated not because of the life I chose or to put it in another way, my choice career.
I am frustrated because my space feels cramped. My life feels ready for a change. I feel a strong desire to transition to another season in my life. I would like a bigger work space (as teacher and manager of my home) and some vacation time.
What I really mean is, I would like to move our family of six from our cramped apartment to a bigger home in which I would be able to better manage the day to day running of our life as a home business, homeschooling family. I would like an increase in financial blessings to be able to afford that change and to be honest I could simply use a vacation, not away from my family, with them.
This is my fifth article in my blog series “Transitions-Waiting for a Season of Change.” I have talked about our home dynamics, though words cannot adequately express the challenges that we deal with daily in balancing these kids in their various ages & stages.
My daughter is 8 years old now and I feel in my heart it is time for her to get her own room. I dream of having mother-daughter moments in a space away from her brothers. A place to chat about girl stuff. Talk about the changes ahead (her body, etc). A place where she can go and have some quiet time to read, draw, and write a song or poem. Get the little ‘me’ time, that an eight year old girl with three little brothers need.
I dream of having a manageable space to conduct kindergarten lessons and have a play area for my two little ones all is one room, so I won’t have to worry about my little firecracker (or dynamite according to my husband) toddler getting into stuff.
I think about painting the walls pretty vibrant colors that make you feel happy and alive. I think about conducting art projects and putting family photos in frames to hang all over the walls of the house. I desire a hobby area where I can sit and read, write, scrapbook, paint, fix puzzles, take blog post pics without the hassle and space constraints.
I want to get back to a more manageable life. To feel at peace in my home. For my home to feel like a home again. This apartment use to feel this way, but not anymore.
Though I know God is working behind the scenes to bring about the change I know He knows we so desperately need. I still struggle with my frustration which sometimes turn into anger.
I listened to two sermon’s recently by Pastor Adrian Rogers, one was called “The Magnificent Mother,” the other was called “5 Ways to be a successful Husband.” In one of these sermons, Pastor Adrian Rogers said that “a man is goal-oriented, with his greatest fulfillment found in his work; a woman’s greatest fulfillment is in her home and her relationships.”
I know these words to be true. From experience, it is times when my home or a relationship with someone is in disarray that I am at my worst emotionally.
So how do I know it is time to move forward?
1.) My home no longer feels like a home
2.) I am no longer at peace in my home
3.) I don’t find joy in the things that use to bring me joy anymore- my souvenir collection, my scrapbooks, my books- now they just feel like things crowding my space- so I put them away in boxes
4.) I no longer have good management control over my home- no matter how hard I try
5.) I can’t keep the house clean and organize like I use to- no matter how hard I try
6.) Every single day I feel the frustration of my situation
7.) I can’t get myself to smile, even though I want to
8.) My mind and spirit feels congested
9.) Sometimes I feel like I need to getaway
10.) I am angry at myself for feeling this way
11.) I am angry at myself for letting this spirit (frustration/anger) into my days
12.) I am angry at myself for not being more patient
13.) I am angry at myself for not being stronger
It is times like this where praying for yourself is very hard to do. Like right now for instance, my emotions are in such a state, as per described above, that I find it very difficult to utter a word to God.
Please don’t think I am just sitting around feeling cranky and frustrated all the time. Despite, things being more chaotic than I’d like it to be. They are silver linings from which I derive my joy.
I find joy in my children’s smiles, in their drawings and creations, when I see the ways in which they have grown and developed, in hearing them laugh, in the friends and helpers God has sent even though they are few. In a good Hallmark or UPtv movie, in an inspiring blog post from other like-minded mom bloggers, in developing my blog, in my writing, in kind comments to something I have written and the list goes on. I still in delight the good things.
I told my husband today that I am at war with myself, part of me wants to be responsible (as a homeschooling mom, homemaker, wife) and do what I have to do (daily responsibilities) and the other wants to go dancing in the rain. Meaning, I want to be at peace again. I want to play.
Why does my surroundings have to be so influential on my state of being? I really wish it wasn’t. I have always been that way. I am not a clean freak but I like things organized and tidy. It makes me feel relaxed when things are neat and tidy.
I know that God knows my desires, he put them there. He is working beyond where I can see to pave a way for my family and I, to move us to a more manageable situation.
So there you go I just told you what I know and what I feel. I will continue to do my best each day with what I have and wait on God.
Update- Thank you for making it to the end of this post. I wanted to share with you dear faithful readers. That I wrote this article about three weeks ago. I don’t feel this level of frustration anymore, God has found ways to bring me peace while I wait. I posted this article anyway, because it documents that part of my transition journey. I believe in my heart that change is coming and I want that transition to be documented.
Check out the other post in this series: Transitions: Waiting for a season of Change