I Lost My Son in 2011

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I Lost My Son in 2011

Hello Asklatisha blog readers, happy New Year to you all, it’s been a long time I know. Did you miss me? I know I missed you. How has your New Year been so far? For me, so far so good, but I can’t say the same for last year.

 

Last year was the worst year I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was a testing time, a challenging time, a season of confusion and despair; I faced many trials and lost a special treasure.

 

In 2011, around the month of March, I learned I was pregnant; in the month of July, I learned it was a boy. That same month I also learned he was unable to pass urine, and this could cause serious problems in his development. I was given the option to terminate pregnancy, but chose not to do so.

 

I couldn’t do that because I’d already felt my son moving inside of me and seen his beautiful frame in the ultra sound, my love for and bond with him already existed. Terminating pregnancy, to me, would have been murder.

 

So trusting God that he had a plan for the whole journey, I carried through with this pregnancy, hoping that God would heal and spare my son. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. I prayed, I cried, I worried, I feared, I hoped.

 

Between the months of August and October were filled with weekly visits to the hospital. At first a hospital far away from home ($30 in taxi fare), then two months later, at two other hospitals, one included a Children’s Hospital. In those months, we saw many medical professionals who believed my son’s chance of survival was very slim. Nevertheless, I hoped they were wrong and God had a plan for this whole experience.

 

An Urologist we were seeing through this process, the first doctor to recommend pregnancy termination, never thought my son would make it to thirty-six weeks, neither did my new OB/GYN of two months. Nevertheless, he did.

 

Kaiden Denahi Barker came into this world via C-section in November 2011. He made one small cry, and then I never heard his voice again. He did not die that day. They hooked him up to a Respirator, and he was baptized in the delivery room. A very sweet nurse named Hope took pictures.

My son was in the NICU for six days, during the first five days, I was unable to hold him to me, he was still hooked up to a Respirator and had many tubes attached to him, but he still moved when we touched him.

 

He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had silky, shiny, black, straight hair, like an Angel’s. His skin was soft and smooth and he had a creamy complexion. I already knew my son was a fighter. In fact, that was what the name Kaiden meant. He had already defied the odds.

 

And if given the chance, my son would’ve grown up to be a wise man. In fact, the name Denahi, derived from the Disney film Brother Bear, meant wisdom. He had his name before we knew what was in store.

 

On my final day at the hospital (the fifth day), my husband and I met with some of the medical professionals dealing with my son’s case; apparently it was unanimous that nothing could be done for my son and they thought it would be best to halt all human intervention and let him pass on in comfort, this was called “Comfort Care.”

 

I thought to myself, it was now or never, if God was going to let our son live, if he was going to give us a miracle, it would be now. So we decided to go ahead with the procedure of disconnecting our son from all machines the following day, Saturday 19th, November 2011.

 

They said he could die in a matter of minutes or hours after the Respirator is disconnected. I finally held him to me that day and laid him on my chest, it was greatest feeling. We let our children play with him for a little while and took some pictures. They loved him.

 

After my kids said their goodbyes, I held him to me a little while longer before letting the Nurses know to go ahead and disconnect the Respirator, he instantly turned blue and this made me hysterical.

 

Many things happened during this time, too much to mention. My husband held him, I held him, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I talked to him, and hoped and hoped and hoped. Nevertheless, many hours later, my son was gone.

 

I’m sure I will be telling this story for years to come and in the future more of this tale would be revealed, but for right now, I need you to know that I’m okay. My faith in God is still strong and I know without him throughout this whole experience, I wouldn’t have survived. He kept me strong and renewed my strength every day.

 

This experience has changed me. It has made me appreciate life and my loved ones so much more. It has made me love stronger and has given me the desire to fight harder; I want to make my son Kaiden proud of me. I want to write about his legacy. This experience has shaped me and God has put a peace in my heart.

 

I believe he has a plan and purpose for that journey; and only time will tell, but for right now I am getting ready for a new season of life and what’s to come. I am renewing my mind, body and soul, reevaluating my life and moving forward towards a better future.

 

Kaiden Denahi Barker will never be forgotten.

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By | 2017-02-22T13:19:55+00:00 January 9th, 2012|Children, Kaiden, Motherhood|5 Comments

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