The Night My Son Died

No one ever forgets the significant things they did, the night they lose someone they love. It was a long day, actually it was a long week, even more so a long year. I experienced things I’d never imagined I could experience and ever survive. I faced my biggest fear, and now I was returning home to treat my battle wounds and see where life was planning to take me from here.

I never thought that God would let something like this happen, is He really going to take my beautiful, precious baby away from me five days before Thanksgiving, a month away from my most favorite holiday ever. How was I going to recover from that?

No, there must be some big miracle about to happen. He was going to heal him and then we would have the most amazing thanksgiving/Christmas testimony ever. Well, I guess you figured out from the title of this article that it did not happened as I hoped, prayed and believed.

Kaiden Tears

Before I talk about that night, let me talk about the night before, filled with  loud crying and screaming to God, saying over and over again “I can’t do this.” Yes, I knew what I was going to face the next day. This was discussed in a room filled with medical professionals, who all had come to an agreement, that there was just nothing else they can do for him, other than let him pass in comfort, they called it “comfort care.”

They told us, they would give us a room where we could have professional photos taken (free service offered) and say our goodbyes. We decided, it was now or never, if God had a big miracle in store, we had to take a step of faith. So we decided, we’d do this the next day.

It was a day filled with tears, prayers, and hopes. I brought my MP3 player with me and played spiritual songs about hope and God’s healing. I saw when his skin tone changed from a soft, delicate cream to pale blue as they removed the tubes that helped him breathe. When I saw that, it felt as though someone ripped my heart out of my body and I cried. He gasped for air and continued to do so, until he took his last breath.

Kaiden on my chestI held him to me for most of the morning, his skin tone was not blue when he was on my chest, but pink, it was as though he knew he was on his mother and he felt comforted by me. As he laid on my chest, I prayed to God for that miracle, even reading “Hannah’s Prayer” and Hannah’s promise-

“And she made this vow: “O LORD of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the LORD, his hair will never be cut.” 1 Samuel 1:11 NLT.

I imagined the kind of Godly boy and man he would grow up to be.

Eventually, I put him down in the hospital crib, as I sat next to him to have something to eat, my head was starting to hurt from all the tears and hunger. I ate slowly, barely having an appetite. When I was finished I just watched my sweet son, coming to the realization that the miracle I was hoping for wasn’t coming.

Kaiden hospital crib

I came to the understanding that this was God’s best, even if I don’t know why. I started to feel very thankful for our time together and the story he forged in the pages of my life’s book. It was as though God was having a conversation with my heart and I was starting to feel an indescribable peace in my soul, a peace that surpasses all understanding-Philippians 4:7.

I felt calm as I continued to watch my son. He stopped gasping for air, then suddenly he looked as though he ever so sweetly fell asleep, and I knew what had happened. I saw a picture in my mind of God holding him in His arms and personally taking this little angel up to Heaven to be with Him. I was at peace with my lost, a peace I know only God could have put there.

Later that night I left the hospital with a beautifully prepared memory box with his few things- locks of his straight, shiny black hair, hand prints, footprints, his hospital band, pictures and more.

Kaiden memory box

We stopped at the pharmacy to get me headache medicine and sleeping aids, because there was just no way I’d be able to fall asleep on my own. Then home we went without the present you get to take home at the end of a pregnancy.

After we settled in as best we could, we sat in front of the t.v (a Christmas movie would be a blessing right now) and watched a new Hallmark movie called “Cancel Christmas,” Starring Judd Nelson.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: judd Nelson, Justin Landry Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

At first it seemed ridiculously cheesy, with Judd Nelson using the stupidest Santa voice I have ever heard and his assistant elf being the cheesiest of elves I have ever seen in my years of watching cheesy Santa movies. I also thought the premise was extremely unrealistic.

“The Board” was thinking of firing Santa, because of how greedy kids have become. If Santa could change the hearts of three boys his contract would be renewed. Two of these boys were on the naughty list and one on the nice list but has lost his faith in Christmas and himself because of losing his Father and his ability to walk due to a car accident. Imagine the fate of “Santa/Christmas” in the hands of only three boys, of all the whatever humongous number of children they are in the world. That’s silly.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: Connor Price, Judd Nelson Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

However, as I continued to watch, this movie took me away from the ridiculous and cheesy to a story about the spirit of generosity, kindness, forgiveness, love and to the heart of what I needed at that very moment, dealing with lost. It’s about living your life to its fullest in honor of the person you lost, cherishing those memories, but not letting them consume you with so much grief you are unable to celebrate life. It’s about also cherishing, loving and spending time with the people you still have with you.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: John Fleming Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

Earlier, that evening God gave me peace, then hours later He gave me hope. Even though, the journey ahead was very challenging in different ways. I was not a grieving mom but a mom filled with hope that God will someday use this experience and testimony to help and bless others, and I looked forward to telling this story for many years to come.

This Christmas movie not only filled me with hope, it filled me with the desire and fire to want to love and help others, be a light in this world. It inspired me.

So the night my son died my heart was filled with peace, hope, love, compassion and inspiration. Could you believe it, that’s amazing, that’s something only God could do.

Thanks so much for reading.