The Christmas Movie I watched the Night My Son Died

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The Night My Son Died

No one ever forgets the significant things they did, the night they lose someone they love. It was a long day, actually it was a long week, even more so a long year. I experienced things I’d never imagined I could experience and ever survive. I faced my biggest fear, and now I was returning home to treat my battle wounds and see where life was planning to take me from here.

I never thought that God would let something like this happen, is He really going to take my beautiful, precious baby away from me five days before Thanksgiving, a month away from my most favorite holiday ever. How was I going to recover from that?

No, there must be some big miracle about to happen. He was going to heal him and then we would have the most amazing thanksgiving/Christmas testimony ever. Well, I guess you figured out from the title of this article that it did not happened as I hoped, prayed and believed.

Kaiden Tears

Before I talk about that night, let me talk about the night before, filled with  loud crying and screaming to God, saying over and over again “I can’t do this.” Yes, I knew what I was going to face the next day. This was discussed in a room filled with medical professionals, who all had come to an agreement, that there was just nothing else they can do for him, other than let him pass in comfort, they called it “comfort care.”

They told us, they would give us a room where we could have professional photos taken (free service offered) and say our goodbyes. We decided, it was now or never, if God had a big miracle in store, we had to take a step of faith. So we decided, we’d do this the next day.

It was a day filled with tears, prayers, and hopes. I brought my MP3 player with me and played spiritual songs about hope and God’s healing. I saw when his skin tone changed from a soft, delicate cream to pale blue as they removed the tubes that helped him breathe. When I saw that, it felt as though someone ripped my heart out of my body and I cried. He gasped for air and continued to do so, until he took his last breath.

Kaiden on my chestI held him to me for most of the morning, his skin tone was not blue when he was on my chest, but pink, it was as though he knew he was on his mother and he felt comforted by me. As he laid on my chest, I prayed to God for that miracle, even reading “Hannah’s Prayer” and Hannah’s promise-

“And she made this vow: “O LORD of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the LORD, his hair will never be cut.” 1 Samuel 1:11 NLT.

I imagined the kind of Godly boy and man he would grow up to be.

Eventually, I put him down in the hospital crib, as I sat next to him to have something to eat, my head was starting to hurt from all the tears and hunger. I ate slowly, barely having an appetite. When I was finished I just watched my sweet son, coming to the realization that the miracle I was hoping for wasn’t coming.

Kaiden hospital crib

I came to the understanding that this was God’s best, even if I don’t know why. I started to feel very thankful for our time together and the story he forged in the pages of my life’s book. It was as though God was having a conversation with my heart and I was starting to feel an indescribable peace in my soul, a peace that surpasses all understanding-Philippians 4:7.

I felt calm as I continued to watch my son. He stopped gasping for air, then suddenly he looked as though he ever so sweetly fell asleep, and I knew what had happened. I saw a picture in my mind of God holding him in His arms and personally taking this little angel up to Heaven to be with Him. I was at peace with my lost, a peace I know only God could have put there.

Later that night I left the hospital with a beautifully prepared memory box with his few things- locks of his straight, shiny black hair, hand prints, footprints, his hospital band, pictures and more.

Kaiden memory box

We stopped at the pharmacy to get me headache medicine and sleeping aids, because there was just no way I’d be able to fall asleep on my own. Then home we went without the present you get to take home at the end of a pregnancy.

After we settled in as best we could, we sat in front of the t.v (a Christmas movie would be a blessing right now) and watched a new Hallmark movie called “Cancel Christmas,” Starring Judd Nelson.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: judd Nelson, Justin Landry Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

At first it seemed ridiculously cheesy, with Judd Nelson using the stupidest Santa voice I have ever heard and his assistant elf being the cheesiest of elves I have ever seen in my years of watching cheesy Santa movies. I also thought the premise was extremely unrealistic.

“The Board” was thinking of firing Santa, because of how greedy kids have become. If Santa could change the hearts of three boys his contract would be renewed. Two of these boys were on the naughty list and one on the nice list but has lost his faith in Christmas and himself because of losing his Father and his ability to walk due to a car accident. Imagine the fate of “Santa/Christmas” in the hands of only three boys, of all the whatever humongous number of children they are in the world. That’s silly.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: Connor Price, Judd Nelson Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

However, as I continued to watch, this movie took me away from the ridiculous and cheesy to a story about the spirit of generosity, kindness, forgiveness, love and to the heart of what I needed at that very moment, dealing with lost. It’s about living your life to its fullest in honor of the person you lost, cherishing those memories, but not letting them consume you with so much grief you are unable to celebrate life. It’s about also cherishing, loving and spending time with the people you still have with you.

CANCEL CHRISTMAS - Santa Claus discovers children have become too greedy in the world and must prove otherwise if he doesn?t want his favorite holiday canceled. Santa?s mission is to teach two incorrigible children the importance of charity. Enlisting their help to aid a handicapped boy inspires the magic of the holiday season, and the children?s joy in giving ensures Christmas is going to better than ever this year. Photo: John Fleming Credit: Copyright 2010 Crown Media United States, LLC/Photographer: Ben Mark Holzberg

Earlier, that evening God gave me peace, then hours later He gave me hope. Even though, the journey ahead was very challenging in different ways. I was not a grieving mom but a mom filled with hope that God will someday use this experience and testimony to help and bless others, and I looked forward to telling this story for many years to come.

This Christmas movie not only filled me with hope, it filled me with the desire and fire to want to love and help others, be a light in this world. It inspired me.

So the night my son died my heart was filled with peace, hope, love, compassion and inspiration. Could you believe it, that’s amazing, that’s something only God could do.

Thanks so much for reading.

 

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By | 2017-02-22T13:17:46+00:00 November 24th, 2015|Kaiden, My Journey|35 Comments

35 Comments

  1. Christine November 24, 2015 at 9:57 pm - Reply

    Latisha- I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you to share your darkest moment with us. *hugs* and prayers to you and your family.

  2. Karen Del Tatto November 28, 2015 at 12:11 pm - Reply

    Latisha, My heart ached as I read the beginning of your post. I can’t even comprehend…

    But my heart rejoiced and praised God for the peace He gave you as your son went home to be with the Lord – in the care of and loving arms of Jesus.

    Thank you for sharing such an incredible testimony of God’s comfort and peace in the midst of horrific trials. Oh what glory you have brought to our Heavenly Father. He will bless you beyond measure.
    Karen Del Tatto recently posted…Scripture Saturday – November 28, 2015My Profile

  3. Dona November 28, 2015 at 6:43 pm - Reply

    Love, hugs, peace, and blessings from my <3 to your <3.

  4. Marie/Underground Crafter November 28, 2015 at 7:11 pm - Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sending hugs your way.

  5. Laurie November 28, 2015 at 9:43 pm - Reply

    Words can not express my sorrow for your loss. Your ability to be a peace knowing your little angle is in God’s loving arms is such a validation of your faith. God bless you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us at Snickerdoodle Sunday. I wish you and your family continued peace.
    ~Laurie
    Laurie recently posted…Snickerdoodle Sunday #109My Profile

  6. Margaretha November 29, 2015 at 5:33 am - Reply

    Thank you for sharing.God bless you and your family.
    Margaretha recently posted…The Good News and the Bad News about MidlifeMy Profile

  7. Valerie November 29, 2015 at 11:14 am - Reply

    What a heart-wrenching thing to experience! I’m so sad for your loss. I have always wondered how someone can face such a loss. Even as a Christian the thought of losing a child seems unbearable. It’s so encouraging to read your post, and to know that no matter what happens God is always there for us to offer His undescribable peace and hope! May God continue to blanket you with His love and peace!
    Valerie recently posted…The List You’re Too Busy Not To MakeMy Profile

  8. Miranda November 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm - Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are so courageous to share your heart here with everyone.
    Miranda recently posted…Housekeeping Tips for Homeschool FamiliesMy Profile

  9. Laura Lane of Harvest Lane Cottage November 29, 2015 at 8:01 pm - Reply

    May you feel God’s love through this all.
    Laura Lane of Harvest Lane Cottage recently posted…Quite a Busy WeekendMy Profile

  10. Liz November 30, 2015 at 6:18 am - Reply

    I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing. xoxo

  11. Jessica November 30, 2015 at 8:41 am - Reply

    My heart goes out to you, mama. I am so sorry for your loss. I have tears as I read your story. God bless you.

  12. Laura McGowan November 30, 2015 at 1:21 pm - Reply

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling baby. I can’t even imagine that.
    Hugs for you.
    Laura McGowan recently posted…What’s Wrong With Happy Holidays?My Profile

  13. Wendy December 1, 2015 at 8:48 am - Reply

    Latisha, I cannot even imagine your heartbreak making that decision. I could literally feel your tears when you wrote about your night of “loud crying and screaming to God, saying over and over again “I can’t do this.” But what a blessing (and testament to His loving care!) that He gave you such peace, and a wonderful hope in even a silly movie. Proof yet again that He can bring beauty from ashes. My daughter almost died several times in her first few days before being diagnosed, and reading this has left a huge lump in my throat. Blessings!!! Found you at #totallyterrifictuesday and so glad I did! <3
    Wendy recently posted…My Worst Gift Giving Mistakes + A FREE Gift Giving PlannerMy Profile

  14. Rose @ Walnut Acre December 2, 2015 at 8:11 am - Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story of peace and hope in a difficult time.
    Rose @ Walnut Acre recently posted…Sausage Stuffed SquashMy Profile

  15. Lindsey December 2, 2015 at 11:57 am - Reply

    I’m absolutely touched and in tears, you are such a strong and beautiful soul. Your son is an angel, and he’s with you every day. <3 Hugs.

  16. Chasing Slow December 2, 2015 at 12:49 pm - Reply

    ::tears:: I, too, left the hospital with box of memories instead of a baby. Oh the wounds upon my heart opened and stung as I read your beautiful story.

    “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. ” Romans 12:15

    I’m doing both with you right now. So touching!

  17. Sarah December 2, 2015 at 3:31 pm - Reply

    Oh I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Praying for you this season.

    Sarah
    Sarah recently posted…The Word & Tuesday TalkMy Profile

  18. homeschooling6 December 3, 2015 at 10:06 am - Reply

    (((hugs))) God bless you and your family.
    homeschooling6 recently posted…The Thinking Tree Thursday Spotlight ReviewMy Profile

  19. Healing Mama December 4, 2015 at 5:10 pm - Reply

    So sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you and your family during this time of year. Thank you for sharing such a touching story with us. I’m from the Small Victories link up btw. God Bless you.
    Healing Mama recently posted…What My Child Learned From My Poor Self-ImageMy Profile

  20. Small Victories Sunday Linkup {79} December 5, 2015 at 8:03 am - Reply

    […] The Christmas Movie I Watched the Night My Son Died by Ask Latisha […]

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  28. Shelly December 7, 2015 at 10:45 am - Reply

    Wow what an amazing testimony. It is so true only God can provide the comfort in times like these. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  29. Anne Campbell December 8, 2015 at 9:20 am - Reply

    Hugs and prayers! You have such a remarkable spirit!
    Anne Campbell recently posted…Our Holiday Favorites: Nate the Great and the Crunchy ChristmasMy Profile

  30. […] The Christmas Movie I Watched the Night My Son Died from Ask Latisha […]

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  33. Gail Fiedler December 12, 2015 at 11:41 am - Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss! God has given you a voice and a testimoney to help others and point them to Him. I will pray for you. Love Winged Your Way !!!

  34. Sharilee December 19, 2015 at 5:02 pm - Reply

    I’m so happy that you know the true source of peace and comfort at this very hard time for your family. I’m sure that there will be very hard days mixed in with the okay days and good days, but I know that comfort and peace can be as close as a prayer away. It took such courage to write such a heartfelt post. Thanks so much for sharing.
    Sharilee recently posted…Christmas Home Tour 2015My Profile

  35. Mother of 3 December 3, 2016 at 5:40 am - Reply

    Today was the third time I began reading this post but it was the first time I could make it all the way to the end. My heart just breaks for you at the thought of what you had to go through and yet I just love your message. I love that you were able to share your story. Thank you.
    Mother of 3 recently posted…Weekly Wrap- Up; The Week We Decorated for ChristmasMy Profile

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