Last year was the worst year I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was a testing time, a challenging time, a season of confusion and despair; I faced many trials and lost a special treasure.

In 2011, around the month of March, I learned I was pregnant; in the month of July, I learned it was a boy. That same month I also learned he was unable to pass urine, and this could cause serious problems in his development. I was given the option to terminate pregnancy, but chose not to do so.

I couldn’t do that because I’d already felt my son moving inside of me and seen his beautiful frame in the ultra sound, my love for and bond with him already existed. Terminating pregnancy, to me, would have been murder.

So trusting God that he had a plan for the whole journey, I carried through with this pregnancy, hoping that God would heal and spare my son. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. I prayed, I cried, I worried, I feared, I hoped.

Between the months of August and October were filled with weekly visits to the hospital. At first a hospital far away from home ($30 in taxi fare), then two months later, at two other hospitals, one included a Children’s Hospital. In those months, we saw many Medical Professionals who believed my son’s chance of survival was very slim. Nevertheless, I hoped they were wrong and God had a plan for this whole experience.

An Urologist we were seeing through this process, the first doctor to recommend pregnancy termination, never thought my son would make it to thirty-six weeks, neither did my new OB/GYN of two months. Nevertheless, he did.

Kaiden Denahi Barker came into this world via C-section on 14th November 2011. He made one small cry, and then I never heard his voice again. He did not die that day. They hooked him up to a Respirator, and he was baptized in the delivery room. A very sweet Nurse named Hope took pictures.

My son was in the NICU for six days, during the first five days, I was unable to hold him to me, he was still hooked up to a Respirator and had many tubes attached to him, but he still moved when we touched him.

He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had silky, shiny, black, straight hair, like an Angel’s. His skin was soft and smooth and he had a creamy complexion. I already knew my son was a fighter. In fact, that was what the name Kaiden meant. He had already defied the odds.

And if given the chance, my son would’ve grown up to be a wise man. In fact, the name Denahi, derived from Disney film Brother Bear, meant wisdom. He had his name before we knew he was not well.

On my final day at the hospital, this was the fifth day. My husband and I met with some of the Medical Professionals dealing with my son’s case; apparently it was unanimous that nothing could be done for my son and they thought it would be best to halt all human intervention and let him pass on in comfort, this was called “Comfort Care.”

I thought to myself, it was now or never, if God was going to let our son live, if he was going to give us a miracle, it would be now. So we decided to go ahead with the procedure of disconnecting our son from all machines the following day, Saturday 19^th, November 2011.

They said he could die in a matter of minutes or hours after the Respirator is disconnected. I finally held him to me that day and laid him on my chest, it was greatest feeling. We let our children play with him for a little while and took some pictures. They loved him.

After my kids said their goodbyes, I held him to me a little while longer before letting the Nurses know to go ahead and disconnect the Respirator, he instantly turned blue and this made me hysterical.

Many things happened during this time, too much to mention. My husband held him, I held him, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I talked to him, and hoped and hoped and hoped. Nevertheless, many hours later, my son was gone.

I’m sure I will be telling this story for years to come and in the future more of this tale would be revealed, but for right now, I need you to know that I’m okay. My faith in God is still strong and I know without him throughout this whole experience, I wouldn’t have survived. He kept me strong and renewed my strength every day.

This experience has changed me. It has made me appreciate life and my loved ones so much more. It has made me love stronger and has given me the desire to fight harder; I want to make my son Kaiden proud of me. I want to write about his legacy. This experience has shaped me and God has put a peace in my heart.

I believe he has a plan and purpose for that journey; and only time will tell, but for right now I am getting ready for a new season of life and what’s to come. I am renewing my mind, body and soul, reevaluating my life and moving forward towards a better future.

Kaiden Denahi Barker will never be forgotten.

The 9 basic Motives are:

Emotion of Love,
Emotion of Sex,
Desire for Material Gain,
Desire for Self-Preservation,
Desire for freedom of body and mind,
Desire for self-expression and recognition,
Desire for life after death,
Desire for revenge and
Emotion of Fear.

Food for thought right?

What motivates you and why?

Leave your comments below.

What do I feel today? Lost and confuse, hurt, scared and in a slump. You may be wondering why. Honestly, I don’t have an adequate reason. I am carrying the world on my shoulders and we know that’s not my job.

Hey, Christian men and women, tell me what I did wrong. I started my day like this, I said a very brief prayer to God, then I went for my computer, looked through my e-mail and I read this article. Then I started to feel worried, disheartened, doubtful and afraid.

These emotions are the greatest weapons of the demonic world. They render you powerless before you even get in to the ring to fight.

When David went to battle the giant Goliath, he put on His spiritual armor and he didn’t doubt for a minute that God would help him defeat the giant, he didn’t worry that  he was much smaller than the massive force before him, he believed with all his might that God was with him, and he defeated the giant. I want that faith.

We all have Goliaths before us, mine is fear, anxiety, worry, guilt, self-doubt, discouragement, etc. The negative thoughts and images these strongholds produce are illusions, deceits, and lies of the enemy, and the only way to defeat them is to put on the armor of God everyday and take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I’m working on that, because I don’t want to be defeated before I even get in the ring and I certainly don’t want to be a prisoner of my own mind. I want to break free from the strongholds that keep me in bondage. I want to be a champion for God, myself, my children, my husband, my family and friends and I want to be happy. I want to be a free woman.

Related Bible Verses:

Ephesians 6:10-18 (New International Version)

The Armor of God

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

2 Corinthians 10:5 (New International Version)

⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

There is an illustration used in many sitcoms that we often find hilarious; but it kind of accurately depicts what goes on regularly, if not always, inside our thoughts and spirit.

 There are two versions of ourselves, one on each shoulder; one wearing a fiery red devil costume with a pitch fork in his hand, trying to convince us to embrace our wicked side; the other wearing a glowing white robe with wings on his back and a halo over his head, ever so sweetly representing the good in us. Then you have to decide which one to listen to, whenever you need to make a decision.

 I often feel as though they are two mes. One which is a vibrant, confident, powerhouse of a woman ready to take on what life throws at her; ready for adventure; rolling with the punches; and getting back up and dusting herself off whenever she falls. She often hears a voice whisper in her ears; “You are wonderfully made, you are loved, you are significantly blessed.” She doesn’t over-explain or over compensate, and she doesn’t apologize for who she is. She loves God, herself, her life, her family, her children, and everything that she is and represents. She is healthy physically, spiritually and mentally. She is always wrapped in the warmth of Jesus’ embrace.  I could describe this woman forever, because she is my favorite. Yes, I said it, I have a favorite.

 Then there is the other one; who lives in darkness all the time, her thoughts and attitudes are always toxic. She is always angry, afraid, worried and anxious. She hears voices that lie to her everyday; they say things like; “you are worthless, stupid, and incapable;” and she believes that smut. She walks around in despair all day which makes her unable to do or enjoy anything in life; and she is never able to grow because she never steps out of her comfort zone. Satan has her under tight lock and key in the darkness, so no light could ever shine through.

 These two mes are both fighting for dominance, and I know which side I’m routing for. However, it is going to take more than just sitting on the side lines and screaming to the top of my lungs; “Go Latisha, go; Go God go.”

I have to make a choice. I have to be the one to hold all my thoughts captive and make them obedient to God. I have to choose confidence in God and not in myself; and cast my cares and fears on HIM, because he is better equipped to handle them than I am. I need to choose happiness and joy; and pray and believe I can move mountains with faith as small as a mustard seed. I have to do what I can, and trust God to do what I can’t. I have to believe that I am wonderfully made in God’s own image.

 God’s Word:

Psalms 139 (NIV)

 For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.

 ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.

 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.

 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.

 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.

 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?

 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,

 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.

 ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,”

 ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

 ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.

 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

 ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!

 ¹⁸ Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

 ²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.

 ²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?

 ²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.

 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.

 ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

Starting from the beginning. We have been experiencing the potty training blues with our ever-so-brilliant daughter over the past month. Bits of January and February she was on the right track, she had accidents here and there, but at least she managed to poop-poop in the potty most of the time. She was even going to the potty by herself without telling us first or without us having to ask her if she had to go. Then she got sick for two weeks (Infectious Mononucleosis (Mono), also known as “the kissing disease.”

That set us back terribly, now all of a sudden, she stopped trying to go. She goes at school, but for some reason she lets it all out wherever, whenever at home. What makes it even worse is in her fight for independence, she wants to wear a panty and not her pull-ups. So we end up cleaning poop and pee off the floor a couple of times a day.

Yesterday, we were at the doctor’s office, we went there straight after picking her up from pre-school, so she still had on an underwear. I wanted to put on a pull-up on her, so to avoid any accidents, but she fought me on it, she wanted to be a “big girl.”  So I explained to her that we were at the doctors and if she pee-pee or poop-poop in her panty that she would have to keep on her wet pants until we get home. I took the chance that she’d do the right thing. What she knows she should do. She didn’t.

She peed in her pants like I thought she might and hoped she wouldn’t. Then and there I realized how much parenting requires patience. I thought about the way my mother would respond to that, if my three year old self did that, after fighting to keep the panty on, I felt sure she’d go ballistic on me, right there at the doctors office, onlookers or not (we are Caribbean folk). However, being that I live in America, I kept my cool.

Now back to the story at hand. I tried forcing my daughter to go to the toilet today, even though she said she did not want to. Often, she has an accident just two seconds after we’d asked her if she needed to go. So I wanted her to at least try. My daughter is in her  “no” phase, she tells me no numerous times a day and she is quite stubborn. So I’m yelling and threatening, and she is getting frustrated and angry at me, and I at her. Then my husband comes out.

He tries to speak to me nicely and tell me that this technique will not help us in our potty training quest. I knew that, but I didn’t want him questioning my parenting skills, so I tried to shut the bathroom door in his face. That makes him mad, now he’s yelling and I’m trying to walk away from him as he is trying to talk to me. I am angry because of the way he is shouting at me in front of my daughter and he’s angry because I am not listening and I am trying to run away from the conversation (imagine that).

I’ve told him before, when you start to shout, I stop listening. There is nothing that makes me angrier in this world than to be shouted at or told to shut-up; even when I am wrong I still expect your respect.

So I’m angry. I feel the tension and frustration boiling in my chest; and I want to scream so loud aliens could hear me in Mars; I want to tear the place up; rip stuff; punch stuff; break stuff; throw stuff; and I don’t want to ask God to help calm me down because I want the anger to fester, I want my husband to know how angry he has made me.

I know your expecting me to have some big solution of what to do when you feel like that. I’m still working on it. Maybe the right thing to do is to walk away; go meditate for a while; talk to God; not hurt someone physically or with your words;  and not destroy your stuff or anyone else’s and regret it later; that makes no sense. Keep your cool is all I can say to you, before you do something you regret or you can’t take back.

Anger causes people to do stupid things. When you allow yourself to stay in that place, it gives the devil the leverage he needs to destroy you and use you to destroy others. Don’t be Satan’s minion.

I eventually calmed myself; and nothing or no one got hurt in the process. Writing is very therapeutic. I love it. You should try it.  I’m going to go hug my family now.

What God’s Word Says about anger?

Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret-it leads only to evil (Psalm 37:8).

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult (Proverbs 12:16).

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Proverbs 12:18).

A wise man fears the Lord and shuns evil, but a fool is hotheaded and reckless (Proverbs 14:16

A quick-tempered man does foolish things, and a crafty man is hated (Proverbs 14:17).

A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man displays folly (Proverbs 14:29).

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel (Proverbs 15:18).

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city (Proverbs 16:32).

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered (Proverbs 17:27).

It is to a man’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel (Proverbs 20:3).

Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the LORD, and he will deliver you (Proverbs 20:22).

Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control (Proverbs 25:28).

Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger (Proverbs 29:8).

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control (Proverbs 29:11).

An angry man stirs up dissension, and a hot-tempered one commits many sins (Proverbs 29:22).

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, “Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.” But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment … first go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:21-24).

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions (Galatians 5:19-20).

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-7).

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Ephesians 4:29-32).

Let your gentleness be evident to all (Philippians 4:5).

But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips (Colossians 3:8).

And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful (2 Timothy 2:24).

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires (James 1:19-20).

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing (1 Peter 3:9).

I Wanna Punch Stuff Video-from “I’m in the Band” Disney  XD