Last year was the worst year I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was a testing time, a challenging time, a season of confusion and despair; I faced many trials and lost a special treasure.

In 2011, around the month of March, I learned I was pregnant; in the month of July, I learned it was a boy. That same month I also learned he was unable to pass urine, and this could cause serious problems in his development. I was given the option to terminate pregnancy, but chose not to do so.

I couldn’t do that because I’d already felt my son moving inside of me and seen his beautiful frame in the ultra sound, my love for and bond with him already existed. Terminating pregnancy, to me, would have been murder.

So trusting God that he had a plan for the whole journey, I carried through with this pregnancy, hoping that God would heal and spare my son. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. I prayed, I cried, I worried, I feared, I hoped.

Between the months of August and October were filled with weekly visits to the hospital. At first a hospital far away from home ($30 in taxi fare), then two months later, at two other hospitals, one included a Children’s Hospital. In those months, we saw many Medical Professionals who believed my son’s chance of survival was very slim. Nevertheless, I hoped they were wrong and God had a plan for this whole experience.

An Urologist we were seeing through this process, the first doctor to recommend pregnancy termination, never thought my son would make it to thirty-six weeks, neither did my new OB/GYN of two months. Nevertheless, he did.

Kaiden Denahi Barker came into this world via C-section on 14th November 2011. He made one small cry, and then I never heard his voice again. He did not die that day. They hooked him up to a Respirator, and he was baptized in the delivery room. A very sweet Nurse named Hope took pictures.

My son was in the NICU for six days, during the first five days, I was unable to hold him to me, he was still hooked up to a Respirator and had many tubes attached to him, but he still moved when we touched him.

He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. He had silky, shiny, black, straight hair, like an Angel’s. His skin was soft and smooth and he had a creamy complexion. I already knew my son was a fighter. In fact, that was what the name Kaiden meant. He had already defied the odds.

And if given the chance, my son would’ve grown up to be a wise man. In fact, the name Denahi, derived from Disney film Brother Bear, meant wisdom. He had his name before we knew he was not well.

On my final day at the hospital, this was the fifth day. My husband and I met with some of the Medical Professionals dealing with my son’s case; apparently it was unanimous that nothing could be done for my son and they thought it would be best to halt all human intervention and let him pass on in comfort, this was called “Comfort Care.”

I thought to myself, it was now or never, if God was going to let our son live, if he was going to give us a miracle, it would be now. So we decided to go ahead with the procedure of disconnecting our son from all machines the following day, Saturday 19^th, November 2011.

They said he could die in a matter of minutes or hours after the Respirator is disconnected. I finally held him to me that day and laid him on my chest, it was greatest feeling. We let our children play with him for a little while and took some pictures. They loved him.

After my kids said their goodbyes, I held him to me a little while longer before letting the Nurses know to go ahead and disconnect the Respirator, he instantly turned blue and this made me hysterical.

Many things happened during this time, too much to mention. My husband held him, I held him, I prayed and prayed and prayed, and I talked to him, and hoped and hoped and hoped. Nevertheless, many hours later, my son was gone.

I’m sure I will be telling this story for years to come and in the future more of this tale would be revealed, but for right now, I need you to know that I’m okay. My faith in God is still strong and I know without him throughout this whole experience, I wouldn’t have survived. He kept me strong and renewed my strength every day.

This experience has changed me. It has made me appreciate life and my loved ones so much more. It has made me love stronger and has given me the desire to fight harder; I want to make my son Kaiden proud of me. I want to write about his legacy. This experience has shaped me and God has put a peace in my heart.

I believe he has a plan and purpose for that journey; and only time will tell, but for right now I am getting ready for a new season of life and what’s to come. I am renewing my mind, body and soul, reevaluating my life and moving forward towards a better future.

Kaiden Denahi Barker will never be forgotten.

Have you looked around lately and seen a specific verse being fulfilled, 2 Timothy 3:

 ¹ But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— ⁵ having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Well, as much as the devil will want me to think something like, why would I bring children into a world like that, I’m thinking, these children will be the light in darkness. They will light up my home, and then they will go out and light up the world, and bring many to God.

So my plan is to teach them the light of God’s word. Teach them good values; teach them to love, and raise happy healthy thriving kids, so far, so good. At present, I have two children, a daughter (almost 5) and a son (17 months), and I am a month pregnant.

Sometimes I get so scared and wonder, can I do this, do I have what it takes, but I guess I just need to remember God’s word in Matthew 6:25-34…do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And remember this verse is my everyday parenting, Deuteronomy 11: 18-21, Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ¹⁹ Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ²⁰ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, ²¹ so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the LORD swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

Pray for me my friends.

Everyday, every time I pray I ask God to shape me into the woman he designed me to be, the Latisha version of the Proverbs 31 woman, but I know in order for me to become her I need to have discipline.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not the most indiscipline person in the world, I know they are way more people lacking in that area than I. however I know in order for me to see my dreams come to fruition and to be as happy as I desire to be, I must be more disciplined.

I’ve got to get up before the sun rises in the morning to spend time with the Lord (bible study, prayer & meditation), get some exercise, and prepare for the day before my children wake up. That’s what the Proverbs 31 woman does; “She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants” Proverbs 31: 15 NIV.

The Proverbs 31 woman is hard-working. My work ethic is not were it should be. I’m not lazy or anything, but I get tired really quickly when doing housework. I know some phenomenal women who keep their house looking in tip-top shape, sometimes I don’t clean the dishes for two days (rarely though), again don’t misunderstand me, my house is not a pigsty, its well kept, but not squeaky nor close to squeaky clean. I know stay-at-home moms who really clean their house everyday. I try my best; at least I think I do, hmmm, do I really?

The Proverbs 31 woman, women of the olden days and most modern day stay-at-home moms do the household cooking. With the exception of breakfast and a few 15 minute meals here or there, my husband is the house Chef.  He is very good at it too. Does that make me ashamed? Not really. I hate to cook, he loves it, so I keep the kitchen clean as best I could, clean up the tornado of a mess he leaves in the kitchen, when he has finished cooking his masterpiece, he hates doing dishes. We balance each other out.

The Proverbs 31 woman manages the household. I try my best to do that but I often feel like screaming, “Aaaaaahhh, what the heck am I doing? I am winging it. It feels like an out of body experience and I am watching myself glide through the days in a daze. I want to feel more on top of things, more alive, more present in my todays.

The Proverbs 31 woman is disciplined, hard-working, nurturing, balanced and seeks after God with vigor. She is a priceless jewel. I want to be like her, but how do I do that? I guess, I’ll take it one step at a time, conquer one challenge at a time.

My mission, if I choose to accept it, and I do; is to establish a morning routine (as mentioned above); exercise regularly; go to bed earlier at night; read more, watch TV less, especially shows with a lot of hyped up drama, that glamorize lifestyles not aligned with God’s word; eat healthier; sleep better; and take mommy moments (I really need that to recharge). All and all, take better care of myself, so I’d be in better shape to take care of my kids, husband and household.

Pray for me guys, and feel free to ask me to do the same.

I too, find myself interested and sometimes fascinating by the latest in entertainment news; not that interested in celebrity gossip though, especially the kind that highlights their bad behavior.

I empathize with celebrities; yes they are very rich and spoilt. However, that life can’t be an easy one, especially for those who started in this industry very young. Growing up in front of the camera, paparazzi following you everywhere you go; digging into your daily lives, dissecting your every move. What are you wearing, where are you going, what  are you eating, who are you dating, how much you weigh, etc.

Putting you on lists like; the worst dressed list; worst celebrity couples; and more. Scrutinizing everything you do. Then heaven forbid they get the dirt on you and they broadcast your mistakes over and over again; and ask the whole world to weigh in on the issue. Like if it is any of their business in the first place. It’s a good thing God is not like that, he is a forgiving God. He won’t remind us of all our mistakes over and over. Then put us on a platform to be judged by everyone around us; hung out to dry like how Jesus was hung on the Cross.

So yeah, as a celebrity you have to take the good with the bad. Not that I know from experience, thank God.

They are some celebrities who just choose to be a bad influence to our children throughout their career. Their only concern is their wealth, fame, reputation and having a successful career. I guess they don’t think that can happen, base on their talent alone. I guess they think they have to dress in skimpy outfits and sing about their sexual encounters to be recognized. 

Where are the good role models? The celebrity who carries themselves with class and self-respect; who don’t cheat on their spouse/partner; don’t drink or use drugs; don’t sleep with underage children; don’t glamorize sexual promiscuity; who make good choices for the most part; and who uses their wealth to help others and do good in this world. Where are those hard working, unselfish celebs that hone their craft; and earn our respect for their great accomplishments and performances; and not for their bad choices?  

I have two very young children; a 3 year old and a 4 month old; and this concern me. Who will be their role models?

When they grow up, will they know the difference between right and wrong or will sin be “no big deal?”

As I continue to write these words, some song lyrics just popped into my head. Can I share them with you?

“Do you know where you’re going to? Do you think you like what life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?”

I’m not sure I want to know. I do know this though; our children and their futures are in God’s hands; and we are His vessels. We have to monitor what our children watch; what they are doing online; what they are reading about; and we have to have discussions with them about all this bad behavior they are exposed to.

I believe to raise excellent children; we have to encourage them to defy the ‘”norm.” Let them know they don’t have to do something just because it seems everyone’s doing it; singing about it; dressing that way, etc.

They don’t need to be the just like Lady Gaga; Adam Lambert; Beyonce; Tiger Woods; Britney Spears; Chris Brown; Miley Cyrus; Lil’Wayne; Rihanna or anyone else. They can make good choices and still be great.

They don’t have to use sex as a weapon and fill the void only God could fill with empty things.

Encourage them to immolate the good (which we rarely hear about) of the world. Their life would be divinely blessed and they will be a blessing to others, if they start their own revolution and stand confidently in God’s light.

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
.
Refrain
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Then there is the song featured in the movie “White Christmas” and sang by Bing Crosby; that also warms my heart; it goes like this:

When I’m worried and I can’t sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you’re worried and you can’t sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings

I think about a nursery and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them as they slumber in their beds
If you’re worried and you can’t sleep
Just count your blessings instead of sheep
And you’ll fall asleep counting your blessings

My life may not be exactly where I’d like it to be right now. My children aren’t perfect (so logic tells me); my husband isn’t and neither am I. My finances, forget about it. My cupboard and fridge aren’t filled with the foods I’d like them to be filled with. My closet doesn’t have a plethora of fashion choices. I don’t have many friends. There are a lot I don’t have and that aren’t the way I’d prefer them to be.

However, I do have my health; my husband and two children, who are also healthy; a place to call home; caring and loving friends and family who love us; food; clothing; books to read; a t.v to watch; water; warm beds; and the list could go on and on.

Above all these I have a Father in heaven that loves us; provides for us; guides us; feed us; clothe us; shelter us; forgive our sins and this list goes on and on too.

So I’m grateful.

When my children, husband, friends or family do something absolutely terrific.

I’m grateful

I’m grateful to be alive.

What blessings are you counting today?

I was already growing into an extremely fearful person, now as a parent and a wife my fear has drastically increased. Now I’m not only afraid of the bad things that can happen to me but to my husband and children as well; and believe me, I can imagine 1’000 or more ways bad things that could hurt them and then me.

Living in fear is a toxic disease, one that I with God’s direction could cure. I want my children to grow as well a glow and be all they were designed to be. I can’t raise them to be that way if I am controlled by fear.

Fear is a useless but vicious stronghold. The bible talks about fear numerous times and advices us to “fear not.” God knew that fear could be a man’s biggest downfall. It is a slow death of the spirit that drives us to shine.

I believe all children are born with that spirit burning inside them and we as parents slowly extinguish it. We send them out into the world with what’s left of it; and as time goes by, the world completely puts it out or covers it up with so much smut. It would take a lot of soul-searching to find it and get it burning again.

Fear could really set up shop in the midst of us trying to raise our beautiful; wonderful; optimistic; adventurous and bright children; and we allow it to make itself right at home.

We listen to negative self-talk whispered into our ears by an unseen force and we believe all that negativity. We believe we are sucky parents because we haven’t got it all figured out. We are afraid we are going to really screw-up our children. We are afraid to send them out into the world without us. We are afraid that we can’t protect them out there, we can’t even protect them in here. We have much to fear as people, let alone as parents.

That’s why we have to surrender these fears to the Lord and let him carry them for us. That’s why the bible says in Psalms 55:22, “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”

Fear is a stronghold I know very, very well; it is paralyzing; it keeps me from living at my very best. I am a woman full of dreams; talent and a potential for greatness (I believe we all start with that potential) but my spirit fire is partly extinguish. I know I have some changes to make, that are proving to be easier said than done. How I am going to combat my fear is another article in itself.

I know what I have to do. I just need the discipline to do it. I have to do it, not only for my own happiness and victory but for the happiness and success of my children; as well as for the lives they will change because they walk in victory.

 Stolen moments (times to myself) are so rare and hard to come by; they are like digging for gold in a Gold Mine. Gold mining might even be easier, who knows.

 In my stolen moments I want to do so much; I want to spend time with the Lord; meditate, exercise; write in my journal; write letters to my pen pals; catch up with relatives and friends; write a “To Do List”; watch my favorite t.v show uninterrupted; lay in bed and just take in the peace and quiet; read; write; paint; listen to music; blog; work on my book; work on becoming a better writer and a better me; the list goes on.

 Stolen moments are a rare commodity.  I remember the days when my life was all my own. Now I belong to three other people. I love ‘em but I am still trying to deal with that. Got to go try to exercise now.